Man Claims Life Not Turning Out Like He Thought

Chicago, IL: Stating he never expected his life to turn out in such a manner, Byron Stephenson announced he is finally going to make some changes.

“I really never expected to be here at this age. I mean, I'm 47 years old and what do I have to show for it?”

Stephenson, a board member of Montgomery Ward, has been married to his wife Gloria since they graduated high school. She worked to put him through business college, bearing him a boy and a girl along the way. Upon graduating from college, Stephenson got a job at his local MW store working on the sales floor. As job openings came, he moved up the corporate ladder to management and running the very same store he started in. Soon he came to the attention of corporate headquarters and as soon as a position was available, he was transferred to Chicago.

“It's remarkable, really, to realize I've been moving up while everyone else is moving on,” Stephenson said. “I keep hoping I'll be downsized or rightsized or some sized, but they just keep promoting me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.”

One weekend each month, Stephenson can be found at a local bar playing guitar on stage. He's also a member of the local school board, even though his own children are grown. He organized a Neighborhood Watch program and even raised funds to install new bathroom facilities at a nearby park.

“I don't know where I've gone wrong. Sure, I've got the great job, lots of money, trophy wife who stays home and takes care of the house, fancy car, big house in a great neighborhood, I've got all that. But where's the hardship? Why can't we live paycheck to paycheck like so many others?”

When asked for a comment, Mrs. Stephenson replied, “Whatever Byron said. I agree with him because he's the man and knows better than I do.”

Starbucks Now Catering to Christians!

Seattle, WA: It was announced today that Starbucks, the coffee powerhouse, has caved after last year's Christmas uproar and will now cater more to Christians.

You may recall the corporate giant changed their holiday seasonal cups from the traditional Christmas decorations of snowmen and reindeer to plain red ones, which showed their hatred toward Christians. It was suggested the red color was an indication of the Hell fires they were looking forward to spending eternity in. In response to this offensive change, some evangelists took to YouTube to express their concern for Starbucks' eternal soul. The coffee company refused to repent, and as a result, sales plummeted. Were it not for the end of the season and less offensive cups being brought back in to use, the company would have likely folded as they should have.

In a letter released this morning by Kati Chiapas, the new Cultural Manager for the company, details were given as to how Starbucks wants to be great again:

“We realized almost too late just how wrong it was to remove the beloved snowmen and reindeer from our Christmas cups. It didn't occur to the design department that they were risking the very soul of this corporation by displaying their evil mindset so blatantly. Everyone involved has, of course, been exorcised and fired.”

The letter goes on to explain that while thousands of the horrid cups remain in stock, rather than destroy them the company will use them again this year – with one major change. In cooperation with the very same evangelists who took to social media last year, it was decided to bless each cup individually by inscribing the sign of the Holy Cross on every remaining cup.

In doing so, each cup has been transformed from Hellfire to Holy Blood Red. Now, every time a customer drinks from one of these blessed vessels he or she will be receiving the blessings of Our Lord Jesus.

For those who don't get hot drinks and would subsequently not receive a blessed cup, Starbucks has added a new frappuccino. Called the Redemption Frappuccino, it's a strawberry flavored beverage with added strawberry syrup (because nothing is sweeter than redemption from Our Lord!) with whipped cream on top to signify the purity you receive from being redeemed. This comes with a wafer because if you're going to drink the blood of Our Lord, you should eat of His body as well. Each barista will be required to become ordained in order to properly give this communion. Refusal to be ordained will result in termination due to Starbucks' sincerely held religious beliefs.

Decor will be changed to better reflect the more Christian belief, as will the dress code for baristas. Male baristas will be required to wear pastoral clothing and collar, and female baristas will be terminated because, as good Christians, they know their place is in the home and not working a job like some floozy. As a final break from the godless heathens who reveled in the blasphemy last year, Starbucks is offering a 10% discount to any customer wearing a cross or carrying a Bible, and 50% discount to any customer who can show reverential credentials. As the letter states, “We want to be serving Starbucks coffee everywhere, especially in Heaven!”